


A Christmas Steve Carrell

by DBInk



Category: A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
Genre: 5 authors 1 fic, Gen, collaborative writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-03 22:30:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20460554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DBInk/pseuds/DBInk
Summary: The original "A Christmas Carol" came in five parts and I just so happen to know five idiots willing to rewrite it. Me and four o' my boys each rewrote a section of the story completely independent of each other. This was the end result.





	1. It's about to get Spooky

Have you ever read A Christmas Carol? It starts by telling you Bob Marley was dead or some shit and then Dickens spends a paragraph bitching about the expression “Dead as a doornail”. Now, that’s not really important to this story, it just bothered me. What you need to know is that Jacob Marley kicked the bucket a while back.

Who was Jacob Marley you ask? ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. (I’m using a shit-load of elipses to reach the two page minimum, please don’t tell the teacher) …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. He was Ebenezer Scrooge’s former business partner. 

Who was Ebenezer Scrooge you ask? Just some rich ass-hat. Let’s go see what the dude is up to now. 

“Hey, boss, can we turn up the heat? My hands are literally frozen solid” said Bob Cratchit as he showed Scrooge his hands which were literally frozen solid. Bob was a poor boy, he needed no sympathy (JK he needed a lot of sympathy because his boss was terrible).

Scrooge’s eyes narrowed and he asked Bob “Can you afford to turn up the heat? Do you have the money?”.

“No sir,” he replied.

Scrooge made a terrible pterodactyl screech and shouted “No money!? Suck a cock!” and then he grabbed Bob by his arms and bit his hands off because he was just that awful of a person. If anyone in history deserved to be haunted, it was this motherfucker.

Just then two people came into the office, they approached Scrooge and asked “Hello sir, we’re with the ‘Men Without Hands Foundation’ and were wondering if you’d like to donate to our charity?”.

“No,” Scrooge answered quickly, shoving the men out the door. Now, in hindsight, refusing to donate to charity is pretty tame compared to amputating your employees mitts because he complained about the cold. But the point remains, we got a bad bitch on our hands.

Hours passed and the time to close up shop came. Scrooge stood up, put on his coat and made his way to the door. “See you tomorrow, Bob,” he muttered as he was stepping outside.

“Tomorrow? But sir, tomorrow is Christmas,” Bob pleaded as he placed his still bloody arm nubs together as if in prayer.

“Christmas?” Scrooge growled, “Isn’t Cratchit a Jewish name?”.

“Dude, it’s Victorian England, I’m not sure if it’s even legal to be Jewish,” Bob explained.

“Well you know what Bob? I hate Christmas and all holidays resembling Christmas. Except for Kwanzaa, black people have been through a lot in this country,” Scrooge said. Now, don’t let his sympathy for the African American plight fool you, Kwanzaa wouldn’t be invented for at least a century and he was still a very bad person. He then craned his neck towards the camera and said his hit catchphrase “Bug Hamburger!”. The studio audience went nuts at this and then they faded to commercial.

Scrooge stepped up to his door which had this gnarly lion-head knocker on it and when he went to open the door the knocker came to life and was like “Rawr X3 OwO,”. Now if there was one thing Scrooge feared more than ghosts it was furries. Scrooge fell off his stoop and into the snow in surprise, but when he got up to look at it again the knocker was normal. Scrooge figured it must have been a glitch and shrugged it off.

Once inside scrooge got ready for bed at 6 a.m. because he’s old and that’s what old people do. He put on his stupid pajamas with his stupid floppy hat and got in his stupid bed to go to stupid sleep. “Boy, I sure hope I don’t get haunted tonight, that would be the worst,” he said as he closed his eyes and fell asleep. Now if you couldn’t tell, this guy was about to get haunted.

And that’s when he came. Who was he you ask? It was Jacob Marley. But he was a ghost. In chains. A chain ghost. “Yo Scrooge, wake up, I’m here to haunt you,” the chain ghost said as he rattled his chains right next Scrooge’s ear. Scrooge sat up in his bed, took one look at the ghost of his dead business partner and started screaming. And then he kept screaming. And then stopped screaming to catch his breath. After which he resumed screaming.

Eventually Marley had enough of this and placed his hand on Scrooge’s mouth, “Listen, Ebeneezer, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but you’re kind of a terrible person. So I was sent back from hell to let you know you’re about to be haunted by three ghosts of Christmas tonight. It’s sort of a divine scare ‘em straight program,”. 

Scrooge finally stopped and asked “Wait, so we were both terrible people in life so why do I get a supernatural second chance while you were damned to hell?”.

“It’s part of my hellish community service, if everything goes well then I get parole early. In other words, don’t fuck this up for me and learn to love Christmas. The first haunting begins at twelve o’ clock,” Marley explained before smashing a hole in one of the windows. “Marley outski,” he said as he jumped out the window never to be seen again.

Scrooge laid in bed and dreaded what was to come. He really hated ghosts and now three of them were coming to his house tonight. What if he had to marry one of them? And then have ghost kids with her? He shuddered at the thought. “There’s no such thing as ghosts!” he shouted loud enough for any eavesdropping ghosts to hear. He then lay his head on his pillow and pretended to sleep.


	2. The First of the Three Blind Mice

Scrooge woke up first and it was all dark but he could see the clock because it was cold. “The clock was wrogn” said scrooge but he thought it was probably just a glitch so he shrugged it off and went back to sleepy. 

Scrooge woke up suddenly, because it was daytime. So yeah nothing spooky here at all. But suddenly there was a light that was bright because ouch its daytime duh. But achchtually it wasn’t a daylight it was still night but then who was sun? turns out the sun was in his room AH OUCH OOOOO HOT. Nah im just kidding. It was a GHOST

So heres what happened, the ghost pulled back his curtains and scrooge was like “Um do you mind?” “YES I AM THE GHOST” said the ghost. it was like a kid but he was old and had no wrinkles but had white hair and was dead because AH. Nah im just kidding but for real. Also he was holding a holly leaf don’t touch it though its pointy ouch. So basically its just bright af ok?

Then, the spirit said, “Hey remember the time you sneezed in third grade and the boogers got on that girl you liked?” and scrooge said, “NO I STILL CRINGE” and the spirit said “HAHA GOTCHA BITCH IM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST” then spirit said “hey guy Harvey you ready to fly ?” scrooge was like, “do I look like a goddam parakeet” and the spirit said, “worry not, with but a touch of my hand…” and then the spirit pushed scrooge out the window and he fell and broke his leg. “lol” said the spirit.

Then Eminem and the spirit flew away but WOAH it’s the past now. 

Flashback ~~ :3

They flew over to a school and the spirit said “hey you remember this??” “yes I could walk this school blindfolded” and te spirit said, “well that would be dumb now wouldn’t it? also look at that sad kid.” Who is the kid you may ask?.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... it was Jimmy Fallon Scrooge. 

Scrooge said he knew it. And he sobbed.

“Sob sob” said scrooge. Little baby scrooge also said “sob sob”. “you had no friends because youre fat and ugly also you were a mean sad little kid and nobody like fat sad ugly little kids” replied the ghost. “also remember your sister with the stupid name?” 

Just as he said this, his sister, Fan, walked in. “What the FUCK is UP one-chan?!” she nyaahed. “lets go home to our dad who is a big gei bad.” So they went home to daddy lol. Then dad said “come here son” and punched him and said “oops sorry your dads being a bit of a bakka”

Then the ghost said, “I forgot to breathe heavily hhhhhhhHHHHHHHhhhaahaahHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooo…… ok lets go forward a bit.” So they went to a warehouse and scrooge said “I apprenticed at being an asshole here.” And the ghost said, “remember your boss and friend who also had silly names?” just then, Fezzywig and Dick (lol) walked in and started boobling at Ebenekenebenezebeber. Also elbow was a teenager now you could tell because he was really into five nights at freddys.

Fezzywig then told everyone that we are going to have a party and that it’s a potluck so don’t fucking bring your shitty macaroni salad Debra nobody ever eats it. so then there was a hey diddle fiddle and fezzywig fucking died But like not until later the party was great and scrooge met a girl OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH. So scrooge was like “ay bb you wanna trade pokemon cards I got like a bulbasaur” and she got real fuckin hard.

The ghost said “hey remember that time that you lost your girlfiend because you liked money? What about the time that she married someone else and grew up happy and loved with another man because youre such a cuck?” 

Scrooge said he knew it. And he sobbed.

Scrooge was a big amgery and then ghost died oops and the its now tomorrow.


	3. Scrooge Gets his Letter From Hogwarts

After that spooky encounter with Mr. light boy of the past Scrooge just kinda sat there until it was 1 and then suddenly he got super spook because nothing happened. Which honestly is kinda scary if youre expecting a ghost and you get nothing. BTW I was kidding because nothing didn’t happen it was actually hagrid from harry potter and he said nothing because scrooge doesn’t see him yet. Scrooge went over to his door to his bedroom that he heard some chuckle fuck laughing through and then he walked in and now he sees hagrid lol. 

Scrooge was in awe of the size of this lad. like seriously this big boi lookin like Wilson fisk from that new spiderman cartoon movie. He also had a whole bunch of food and a big ol torch. Scrooge didn’t eat any cuz torches aren’t edible. Scrooge looked up and said “who are you?” This boy says that hes the ghost of Christmas present and not actually hagrid haha you got pranked. 

“I don’t know why mr spooky boy, but I feel like asking you how many brothers you have.” Said Scrooge

“I got 1800” said Phantom of the opera

“Wow that’s a lot.” Scrooge replied while the audience wondered why this was relevant.

Danny Phantom got up and said “squeeze my buttcheek and I’ll take you around town”

Scrooge gave it a pinch and the ghost thanked him then they walked outside. They walked through town and you guys know what a fuckin town looks like so I’m not gonna take 3 pages to describe it. Anyway they eventually got to a bakery and the poor people were eatin bread. Super smash bros spirit mode took his torch and shook it over the bread of the poor people. 

“Is there a peculiar flavour in what you sprinkle from your torch?” asked Scrooge.

“MSG,” said spooky buddies

“So you give MSG to poor people?” 

“yeh”

“Why?”

“¯\\_(ツ)_/¯”

Casper then led scrooge to Cratchit’s house. BTW I forgot to mention but nobody can see them they are currently going ghost. By them I mean scrooge and the ghost. Ok anyway Bob wasn’t at his own house yet so scrooge and the ghost were just watching his wife and kids which is kinda weird btw Bob is home now. Mrs cratchet got out some boiled p-tates and a goose. The goose flew away. But you know who didn’t fly away? Tiny tim. (cripples can’t fly). Tiny tim walked in sorta. And he was like…

(Disclaimer: everytime Tiny tim speaks, I run it through a Cockney translator.) 

“Blimey! Mum, I'm really 'ungry! Nuff said, yeah?” said tiny tim

“sit your Barbosa lookin ass down and eat your goose.” Replied momma cratchet

“Lor' luv a duck! I can't. It flew away! Know what I mean?” replied tiny dick

“Fine I’m just gonna go get some fuckin pudding.” Said momma Cratchit as she skiddiddly bopped on into the kitchen. She came out with some ball of something with holly in it. 

“Wow that’s the best thing you’ve done since we got married” said bob but like for real he actually said that in the book. Although it might’ve been in his head. Bob just really likes pudding I guess which is what the ball was although I have a feeling that pudding back then was not the same as it is now and I don’t care enough to look it up. 

Anyway after they were all done admiring this super hype pudding, Tim said the famous line.

“Awright geeezzaa! God bless us every one! Sorted mate.” 

That’s not really that funny.

Scrooge looked at the kid and was like “hey he’s a cripple, is he gonna die?” 

“yeah and its your fault” replied 13 alabama ghosts and Jefferey.

Scrooge said, “I knew it,” and he sobbed. 

Scrooge began to cry so much that they were in a new place it was his nephews house.

“You would not believe your eyes, if 10,000,000 fireflies, said bah humbug like scrooge did.” Said Scrooges nephew to his friends. They were having a roast session for scrooge. Basically nobody liked him and then the ghost said “wow you really do deserve to be haunted. Btw I’m gonna die tonight” suddenly they were in a spooky place and the ghost flashed Scrooge. 

Scrooge shielded his eyes. Understandably so. But then he got curious and looked anyway.

Next to Hagrid’s flaccid dad dick was two children.

Hagrid said, “These children represent life. Their names are Zach, and Cody. By life I mean the suite life.”

“Do you like am…” said Zach.

“…or fmmmmm??????” said Cody.

Hagrid’s ghost ate too much bran cereal and died of heart disease.

Hmmmmmmm it’s scary time.


	4. Ghost of Future Christmas by Dylan

Scrooge awakens in a dark void. He sees nothing for miles. It’s all black.

“H-hewwo…? Is anybwody thwere?” Scrooge meekly asks.

A faint outline emerges from the black emptiness taking the form of a man. He was very buff and was like 6’3” and looked very good also he was a very good writer.

“Hey my names Dylan this is me I’m actually in the story, f*** you.” Says the very handsome man in a well-fit black robe and a super dope scythe that he uses to harvest the souls of people under 6 feet.

“Oh my god he is so attractive :0” Scrooge squeals.

“Okay so here’s the deal, I gotta show you the bad s*** that’s gonna happen if you dont stop being such a massive loser.” Dylan of Future Christmas says.

The cool guy opens a portal that looks really cool and stuff and he tells Scrooge to follow him.

Scrooge of course follows him because who wouldn’t am I right? Man, Dylan sure is cool this isn’t in the story or anything this is just my actual real life opinion of Dylan. The portal leads to a dream sequence where Scrooge recognizes the school he attended as a youth.

“Why did you bring me here of all places?” Scrooge asked.

The robed figure said nothing and simply pointed to the doorway to the school. Clearly this meant to watch the door, but scrooge is too stupid to realize this and he misses the part where a metal dragon suplexes Godzilla. He saw the tail end of it but he missed the really cool part. The Ghost of the Future sighed and rubbed his forehead in frustration. After a good spankin’ he takes Scrooge into the building. 

The inside of seemed to be made of flesh and convulsed after every breath it took. A dim red glow was the only light source. The robed man has left Scrooge all alone. The echoes of lost souls screaming from the depths of the beast shook him to the core. He crept forward terrified of the horror he walked into. As he continued into the cavernous throat of the school he began to recognize the agonized screams. It was the entire Cratchit family deep in the belly of the nightmare. 

Every step Scrooge took the walls became tighter. It wasn’t noticeable at first, but his claustrophobia began to act up. Panicking he broke into a sprint, desperately trying to find the family in pain. The walls closed in so far it was scraping at his arms making him slick in saliva. Closed in, he had trouble breathing. He could barely move. He could feel the acid digesting him as he struggled in vain to escape the endless halls of flesh that he has been cursed to. He saw in the distance a little boy watching him. It was Tiny Tim. Scrooge blacked out from the pain.

He woke up in his bed at home. The robed man was back standing next to him.

“See? If you keep doing what you're doing, you’ll summon literally Satan and doom all of humanity.” Said the man as he dabbed.

Scrooge was shook. He was having a revelation. He couldn’t believe what a fool he was. The future was indeed bleak because of his actions. He wanted to change it.

“Thank you hot man who is Dylan. You have shown me the true meaning of Christman.” Scrooge prostrated.

“No problem dude just doing my job. Good luck with whatever you’re doing. I’m gonna go haunt Rasputin.” Dylan of Future Past said as he faded away.

Scrooge was a new man, ready to take the new dawn.

(Slow heavy metal music plays)


	5. THE END

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring

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Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring

Ebendezer wakes up groggily to his alarm clock ringing loudly and oh my god it’s so annoying like wtf. So he goes and he cuts it all off not hitting the snooze button because his therapuist said that that is not good ou have to wake up on time every day but anyway he goes to cut his alarm off and when he is drinking his morning cup of Cuban blend starbucks coffee he realizes he saw some spooky stuff in his dream and suddenly WHAMMO he is a good guy so now he goes to the window and is v3ry very happy and loves chrisis and sees a little poor bunny rabbit I think on the ground and says “Yo man what is todays date please” and the small whatever says “are you an actual dum its crisssssssssm” so ebezer goes “wowee” and throws some fat stacks at the kid and says “go buy a big ass turkey and take it to kermit’s house” and the kid says “ok” and leaves oh by the way Kermit is bob cratchett lol so then scrooge takes all his money and goes and buys a bunch of people presents because the scary Halloween guys made him a nice man again and he donates to a charity that is run by dr honeydew and beaker and I don’t actually know their names in the real story just the muppet version then he goes to his nephews house and is like “hey nefew here is present please do not dislike me anymore thank you your wife is very nice I like her here is a present for her too come with me to eat a turkey I sent a homeless boy to buy at bob cratchetts house” and the nephew is like “ok” so then Nebuchadnezzar scroog goes to the store and buys some cheese to give to some mouse famblies and that was nice because now scroge is a nice boi and he actually goes up tp the pages of this book and gives YOU THE READER a present isn’t that so nice wow thanks scrooge and now he goes and buys a nice red scarf and it’s very nice and very pretty but here is the bestest part scrug is going to Kermit cratchetts house and he knock knock knocks on heavens door and miss piggy cratchet opens the door is like RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR IM SO MAD RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR but scrooooge is like hey im gonna FIRE BOB CRATCHETT CAUSE HE DIDN’T SHOW UP TO WORK HHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHA and bobbert is like “but you said we could have Chrysler off” and Ebenezer is like “LOL its just a prank bro is lil tim still alive” and bob is like “yes” and Ebenezer is like “nice” and then ebemnezer is like “hey want to eat turkey its really good” and bob is like “ok” and then they eat the turkey and it is very tasty and yummy and they all sing a song I guess and then tiny tim is like “god bless us everyone” and god is like “ok” and then everyone is even double happy and then the hagrid of crisma is also there and he is like “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHOHOHOH” and then the credits roll have a merry crismus I love you


End file.
